


13 hour hardships

by orphan_account



Category: The OCC
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-07-23
Updated: 2008-07-23
Packaged: 2017-10-11 08:44:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/110543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Seth realizes a few things. College AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	13 hour hardships

Seth had always known he wasn't the brightest person on the planet, especially when it came to dissecting his own deeper feelings, like, say, who he was (or wasn't) in love with.

It'd just always been Summer. Always, from the day they'd met, the day he'd set his eyes on her, it had been her. For one, she'd always been his shield, the person he could hide behind if questioned about his dreams and wishes. And secondly he'd known, like he knew the sky was blue, that she'd always be unattainable.

Until he learned the sky wasn't really as blue as it looked and she was not nearly as unattainable.

The first time he went out with some friends from college, east coast, where he'd run to to get away from everything he hated, he realized it wouldn't ever be as easy to survive there as the process of running away itself had been. Especially since he'd taken the soul of Newport with him out east; Summer was, after all, going to Brown, meeting with him, staying over once in a while, being there constantly.

And he didn't call Ryan because he was afraid of what Ryan might say, what harsh truths he'd present Seth with on a silver platter. Ryan was nothing if not stylish, and he had a thing for telling you what you needed to hear.

His circle of friends were a curious bunch, a wild mix of people that had found common ground during freshmen week: Maria, Lauren and Caren on the girls' side, Sebastian and Martin the other boys. They all loved deep and classical literature and writing and listening to Seth's favorite kinds of music. But they were also all so different. Seth hadn't realized how sheltered and narrow-minded he'd been, growing up in his little nest of Newport Beach until he got to know them and their lives; until he learned Lauren's mother had beat her every day just for fun, and more so when she was drunk, and that Lauren had stayed with her as long as she could anyway, cared for her and her younger brother till she couldn't stand it anymore; until he learned that Martin had spent the bigger part of his youth doing everything for money, selling his pride and his soul every day, just so he could finish school and afford higher education.

It was an eye-opener. It made him reconsider everything he'd ever known before, more even than getting to know Ryan had. Ryan, who had had a bad enough life already, but who never really shared. Seth had never thought about what Ryan had gone through, before the Cohens. He'd just thought, 'He's fine now. He's got everything he needs. That's all that counts.' And Ryan'd never offered anything.

Martin explained one quiet evening as they sat, just the two of them, in a bar, that that was probably because Ryan was embarrassed to show how pathetic he was in front of Seth. Because he felt pathetic, no matter how many times people told him he was beautiful and lovable. It made Seth feel ashamed for never giving his best friend the hours of time and silence he'd have maybe needed to get the words out.

 

~*~

 

Towards the end of freshman year, they all went clubbing together, took the train to the big city to crawl the night away in bars and clubs; Seth went along willingly, because they were his people. They did stuff together and they had fun in that togetherness.

But then they ended up entering a gay club. Sebastian had owed up to having left a boyfriend back in Chigaco, and the girls had all very quickly agreed that it would be just mean to do a hetero tour and discriminate against him. Then they'd gotten Martin to admit that he didn't mind at all and it had been decided before Seth could even give his opinion. He didn't want to look like a homophobe, but something in his abdomen curled tightly with fear and apprehension. He didn't want to go in there even as his feet already crossed the threshold.

He sat on his barstool for the longest time, watching the girls dance like chickens around the gay boys who were rubbing up against each other in perfect rhythm with the music; he felt like an asshole on one hand, and abused on the other, at least until Sebastian came up to him with a sparkling expression of pleasure on his face, sweaty and out of breath from bouncing around like the little ball of energy he was. Then Seth just felt like an asshole and nothing else.

"You're not enjoying yourself," Sebastian said. He sized Seth up with a strange once-over before he ordered them both a soda.

"I'm fine," Seth lied. "It's - just not my scene. I'm not gay."

Sebastian gave him a speculative look. "Martin isn't," he finally said. "Neither, from what I know, are any of the girls, though..." he grinned. "Maria seems to be having fun with her new girl friend. None of _them_ are sulking, as far as I can see."

Seth narrowed his eyes. "I'm not sulking."

"Right."

"I'm just tired," Seth lied once more.

Sebastian nodded, shrugged and left him in peace after that. They didn't move on for at least two more hours, after which Seth's mood had pummeled low enough to not recover for the rest of the night. If the others noticed, all they did was exchange a few glances, but nobody said anything to Seth.

 

~*~

 

They'd booked hotel rooms for the night, double-beds, having settled up front that if one of them found someone for the night, they'd leave with the lucky person instead of bothering the group. But every single one of them ended up being too knackered at four in the morning to do much else than quickly split up into pairs and fall into beds.

Sebastian's gaze was a bit too sharp for the time of the day, Seth thought, as the other boy scrutinized him before grabbing Martin's wrist and pulling him towards their room. Maria was left with Seth, as the other two girls paired up. She smiled at him cheekily and warned him, "No funny business tonight, just so we're clear on that." Lauren and Caren laughed as they fell through their door.

Seth rolled his eyes. "Like I have the energy for anything. Besides, I have a girlfriend." He hadn't intended for it to sound so bitchy, or loud enough for Sebastian to hear, but it still seemed like it hit a sore spot because the second of pure tension that suddenly hung in the air was only interrupted when Maria turned on her heel and said, "Good enough for me. Let's get to sleep, guys."

The rooms were nice, nothing spectacular but certainly worth the money, and they fell on their respective sides of the bed and into dreamless slumber the moment they closed their eyes. The night had been very long.

Later that morning, almost midday already, a while after Seth had gotten out of the shower, he found himself sitting on his bed, waiting for Maria to finish up so they could go eat.

He held his cell phone in his hand, phone book scrolled down to the entry that read 'Ryan' and stared, stared at it until he had to blink or his eyes would tear up, and then Maria finally left the bathroom with a slam of the door, and Seth clicked the number away and put the cell back in his pants where it belonged.

 

~*~

 

He called home, instead. He didn't call often, just once every month or so to make sure his parents knew he was oka. This time, he was completely caught by surprise to hear the young male voice that he'd wanted to hear last, answer the phone with a sharp "Yes?"

Seth almost dropped the phone. "Ryan?" he asked. "What are you doing home already? Aren't you supposed to be in Berkeley?"

"Uh," Ryan said, then, "Seth?"

"Yeah."

"Wow, haven't heard your voice in a while." And Ryan didn't sound bitter about that at all. Seth winced.

"Is mom nearby?" he asked, drawing the topic away from dangerous waters. "I gotta clear a few things up with her."

"Sure," Ryan said. Seth could hear the roll of his eyes even over the phone. "Let me get her."

Seth took a deep breath as he got his hands back under control, sweat making them slick, his stomach turning like he'd eaten bad mayonnaise and then his mom said, "Seth, dear?" and hearing her voice was better.

"I might be coming home in a few days," he said. "If that's okay. It's summer break soon." He tried very hard not to take things for granted anymore, especially his family. Not after having learned about other people's families. After all, he could have had it so much worse. It had never quite registered before.

 

~*~

 

He was packed, ready to go the next day in the morning, had the cab ready that would take him to the airport. He hadn't expected visitors, not even Summer. She didn't come. They hadn't talked in days, and he didn't know whether to be grateful or mad about that. They'd been living apart more and more lately, like friends living in different cities, despite the fact that they weren't.

Last time she'd slept over had been five days ago, last time they'd had sex a week, because she'd been too tired five days ago, and something had been wrong, but he hadn't been able to listen to what it was. She'd noticed, he thought. She'd been noticing for a long time now.

He was surprised to find Sebastian fidgeting before his door; his knock had been carefully blank, just like his expression.

"Hey," Seth said, blinking. "I thought you'd be home already."

"Tomorrow morning," Sebastian smiled, shrugged. "Just like you actually. Your flatmate's not home, is he?"

"Left two days ago," Seth nodded. "Come in."

"Thanks."

They sat on Seth's bad, like they often did when it was the six of them, or just four, or however many could make it for an evening of movies or dinner.

"Maria told me you were leaving tomorrow," he said softly, not quite looking at Seth, "going home. So I thought it would be cool to talk to you before you left. So you have some time to figure stuff out and when you get back, you know. We could all of us meet up again. You've been a bit absent lately."

Seth bit his lip. He hadn't gotten together with his friends for two weeks. He hadn't thought they'd notice, but he should have known. They were different. They actually cared. It made a wave of warmth roll over his body.

"It's the gay thing, isn't it," Sebastian continued, and now he had his chin up, not breaking eye contact. "Everyone noticed you acted a bit strange after our night out in the city, but I don't know if they realized you stopped going out with us right after that one."

"I don't -" Seth said.

"It's okay." Sebastian shrugged. "I don't mind if you're scared of it or something. A lot of guys are weird about it. I just wanted to know if it's me. If you mind that I'm -"

"No. Gods, no." Seth shook his head. "I swear. I don't mind. We're friends, I would never mind if you've got a boyfriend or whatever."

"So what is it? What set you off? Why are you having such a hard time with this?"

"I don't want to go to gay clubs and stuff," Seth admitted, and there it was again, that heaving feeling like he was going to throw up at the thought. "I - I'm not gay. I don't like it. I don't like - I have a girlfriend."

"So you've said."

"Because I do."

"Do you always use her as your armor?"

Seth slammed his lips together before he could snap out a clear "Yes".

Sebastian cocked his head. "You're not happy the way you are." He sounded curious, not like he was judging or even reproachful, just like someone who'd just figured something out. "You told us - I remember. That you came to the east coast to get away from your past, to be happy for once in your life. But you aren't."

"I have everything I've ever wanted," Seth said, and didn't think of Ryan at all, Ryan who was at home, with his parents and his little sister, probably happy, possibly going after what he wanted, having his dream career, maybe finding his dream girl. "I have college as far away from back home as I can get, I study English and Lit, I have the most beautiful girl in the world as my girlfriend." He turned away his head.

"And you have us as friends," Sebastian added. "It should sum up to total, but it doesn't."

Seth looked away.

"I never lied to myself about what I am," Sebastian muttered. "I didn't have to, it was pretty obvious to myself and Chicago was very good to me in that respect. I had a great support system and a boyfriend who loves me a lot and - but I still get it, okay? You shouldn't have to lie to yourself."

"I'm not lying," Seth insisted, narrowing his eyes. "I'm good. Thanks for the visit."

Sebastian raised his hands and nodded. "Just, think about it. It doesn't matter what result you come to, really, as long as you're sure it's the one you want. Nobody's expecting you to be anything, Seth, you know that, right?"

Nobody except myself, Seth added and then cringed because he wasn't supposed to be introspective. That wasn't him.

"Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you from the girls that you're a lazy ass to leave them sitting with the latest birthday party organization and from all of us that we're avidly waiting for your return so we can plan the torture of the freshmen next year. Have a good time at home, okay?" He stood up.

Seth followed him to the door, not saying anything. Sebastian gave him a last smile and vanished down the hallway. Seth stared into space for a while before he shook himself and reminded himself that he had to get up early the next morning.

 

~*~

 

He called Summer on his way to the airport, but she didn't pick up. There was a rather inspired message on her mobile box, though, which was as good a thing to start the day with as a conversation with her would have been.

He called home just to test if someone would pick up. Ryan's voice was waiting for him.

"Ryan," Seth said, and he liked the way the name rolled off his tongue, sweet and slow like chocolate.

"What's up?" Ryan asked. He didn't sound quite as hostile like he had a few days before. He sounded almost happy to hear from Seth. "You miss your plane or something?"

"No, no, I'm on my way still. I just wanted to check who was going to be home."

"Your parents'll be home," Ryan reassured him. "But." He hesitated a second. "I could come pick you up at the airport? I've got the car keys, Sandy left them, he had to walk somewhere half an hour ago."

"I can take a cab -"

"No, it's no trouble. I want to."

Seth felt himself flush with pleasure. Suddenly, he couldn't remember why he'd been so afraid. "Okay," he agreed, soft and pleased. "Thank you."

"I'll be there," Ryan promised.

And he always was, Seth thought with a wince, while Seth wasn't. Some things, he resolved, had to change.

 

~*~

 

They walked around each other, not quite on eggshells, and it was easy enough to fool himself that they were back to normal, that nothing had happened, except they didn't talk. Not much, just small talk and about Sophie and their college experiences. His parents didn't seem to notice, ordered in food just like old times, and Sandy started to talk about work and Seth tuned him out until he noticed Ryan was looking at him strangely over the dinner table in time to Sophie's burps.

They had a spacious room, but shared, and Seth had known this, had known this forever, but it hadn't quite registered because every time he'd been home before now, Ryan had not been there. He imagined that every time Ryan had slept in the bed under the huge windows that let in the sunrays from the setting sun in the west, he'd probably looked at Seth's bed with that little bit of longing gnawing at his heart just like Seth did.

Seth let himself fall back, bounced up and down a bit, trying out the mattress, like it had changed somehow between now and the past few months, waiting for Ryan to enter, to close the door behind them and make it a world with just the two of them, but Ryan never did. He stayed in the doorway, looking inside, eyes cautious.

"What?" Seth finally asked, breaking the silence.

"I." Ryan swallowed. "I can go sleep in Sophie's room if you want your space. I'd understand. There's an additional bed there in case she wakes up at night and -"

"Dude." Seth frowned. "What are you talking about?"

"I just thought you'd like to have your room to yourself." Ryan shrugged. Like it was no trouble. No fucking trouble at all. Seth's stomach curled into a pingpong ball and stayed that way, a painful lump in his abdomen.

"Our room," he said, hard. "It's our fucking room. And you have as much right to it as I do, you idiot."

Ryan's blue eyes were wary.

"Ryan," Seth repeated. "Bed. Now."

And the tension broke, Ryan's mouth quirking up into a half-smile as he entered and closed the door behind him.

 

~*~

 

"So the thing is," Seth mumbled into the dark. They'd taken half an hour to shower, change, slip into their beds quietly. Then they'd turned out the lights, but Seth could hear Ryan's breathing, could hear him wriggle back and forth to find a comfortable position, not asleep just yet.

"Hm-hm?" Ryan seemed to be smiling.

"Can I come over?"

"What?"

"Can I - I'll be good, and not kick and anything, but I don't want to - can I come over?"

"Yes?"

"Cool." Seth got quickly out of his own bed and tip-toed over to Ryan's where he sat down on the edge, tapping his foot against the floor. He didn't want to impose, didn't want to assume - but then Ryan, without making a sound, pulled the cover back a bit and that was invitation enough for Seth. He slipped beneath it, conscious not to get too close to Ryan, leave enough personal space between them not to make Ryan uncomfortable or feel forced.

"So - what is it that you couldn't say from over there?" Ryan almost sounded like he was laughing.

Seth thought that might be acceptable. He grinned, took the extra inch so he could feel Ryan's body warmth against his skin, elated, and then grew serious again as he thought about the way to word all the different things he wanted to share with Ryan to make them okay again.

"I've got these friends," he finally started. "And they're a meddling bunch, I swear, and - and all of them, they know so much about stuff, okay? And I told them about you -"

"You told them about me?" Ryan sounded honestly surprised. He was on his back, staring up at the ceiling, eyes clearly open.

"Uh, duh?" Seth snorted. "You're like, the best thing that's happened to me, ever? Why wouldn't I tell everyone who wants to know something about me who made me who I am?"

"Seth -"

"No, listen now. Please. I don't - I don't think I can say this again, okay? So just - it's hard, okay? But anyway, they - I just realized when I was with them that I've never had anyone to talk to, about you. I mean, you were... you are my best friend, but I didn't really have any other friends beside you, you know what I mean? Not - not like that. Sure, Summer, but Summer doesn't like to talk about you like that. She hates me talking about you. I guess she thinks you're sitting on her turf or something, which is completely crazy, if anything, she's been sitting on yours, but let's not get ahead of ourselves."

"I'm scared to ask," Ryan said, sounding choked. When Seth looked at him suspiciously, he could see Ryan was trying hard to hold back laughter.

"Not a laughing matter, dude," he admonished, but they both knew it wasn't all serious.

"So anyway, anways, there's things. Things we need to talk about, I think. We all know I love to do the talking, and I know we like it that way, but Ryan?"

"Yes?"

"How about we roleplay tonight?"

"What?"

"You can be me," Seth offered.

"What?"

"I'm being generous," Seth said, offended. "I don't let many people be me, so be a sport and take the damn role, or I'm going to be cranky."

"Seth -"

"And I'm going to be you. And since you don't talk all that much about yourself, and mostly just listen to me babble - which, may I point out in case you missed it, I do a lot, and mostly about myself, too - I'll be quiet tonight, and you'll be the one babbling about yourself."

"... shouldn't I be talking about you, though? Since I'll be playing you?"

"Shut up," Seth sniffed. "Don't spoil my plans. You know what I mean."

"I don't think so, Seth." Ryan sounded uncomfortable.

"You don't have to." Seth bit his lip. "I mean. It's just an offer. You don't - but if you want, I'll be lying here all night, listening, okay?"

"Okay, Seth."

"Cool. Okay. Cool." Seth took a deep breath and turned onto his side, towards Ryan, curling up. Silence. He closed his eyes. Silence. Silence was good. He could be silent. He could listen. This was all Ryan-time. He was just a spectator. He wouldn't start babbling just because silence meant nobody was there, nobody was listening, so he could do whatever he wanted. He wouldn't.

After five minutes of concentrated, hard-earned silence, Ryan said a soft, almost inaudible "Thank you" that Seth might have missed if he'd yawned half a second earlier than he actually did.

 

~*~

 

They woke up with Seth's arms around Ryan's middle, cuddling him like a giant teddy bear, and when he groaned a bit and buried his face in Ryan's back to shake his sleep-fuddled brain back into consciousness, he heard chuckling and realized to his chagrin that Ryan was awake.

"Your dad was in here an hour ago," Ryan said.

Seth freaked. "What?"

Then Ryan turned his head to be able to look Seth in the eyes and he was smirking. "I'm kidding. No one ever comes in here, you know that. It's your... our realm."

"You. Are. Evil," Seth spat. "Evil. I will have to fight you with the power of my plastic horse and there should be some wooden sword lying around somewhere."

Ryan snorted. "Prince Charming sleep well, then?"

Seth hit his shoulder. "Shut up. You make a good pillow, what can I say?"

Ryan looked embarrassed. "Yeah, um. Thanks."

"That wasn't a compliment," Seth mock-glared.

"I didn't mean for the compliment, Seth."

Seth shrugged, growing embarrassed too. Ryan hadn't said anything last night. "I'll be staying for a while," he muttered into Ryan's pyjama, squeezing his eyes shut as his fingers gripped the material that bunched together just by Ryan's hip. "We can do it again tonight."

He could see Ryan smile in his mind. The telepathy was working again, it seemed.

 

~*~

 

And finally, there was that kiss. It wasn't very complicated.

They were sitting in Sophie's room, because Ryan had been reading her bedtime stories for three weeks now, as long as he'd been staying here, which was just a few days longer than Seth, and Seth liked to listen to his voice. Ryan talked too little, he'd realized lately. But if he liked to express himself by reading out loud, who was Seth to protest. At least this way, Seth got to be silent while Ryan talked. It was a start. Ryan still hadn't said anything but the occasional thank you in bed. Seth didn't know how long this would take, but he had time, he figured. And for Ryan, he could even wait.

Sophie was asleep then, quickly lulled by Ryan's voice this time (if not always, which, in Seth's mind, was a huge pity). Ryan laid out next to Seth on the slim bed by the wall that Kirsten sometimes used, pressing their bodies side-by-side, not a molecule of air between them, and Seth said, "Is it weird?"

Ryan made an inquisitive noise.

"That I like sleeping with you so much." It sounded horrible in his ears, like something forbidden, something dirty. He had to force himself to get rid of the notion, tell himself it wasn't, it was beautiful and it made him feel good, whole.

Ryan was silent for a second, then he said, "Maybe."

"Oh."

"You're Seth," Ryan smiled, eyes focussed on his face, tracing every single line. "The weird is part of the package, I think."

And it was again a surprise to Seth how much easier it was for Ryan to talk about him than about himself. "But you don't mind?" he asked. "Because if you mind, you have to believe me, I would never, ever be insulted or anything -"

"I like it."

Three court words, sharp and to the point. Seth closed his mouth. He stared a bit, back at Ryan, back to judge his reaction, and then he leaned over and pressed his lips to Ryan's, just a touch. Ryan didn't pull back, because he was Ryan, and he'd expected it, possibly from the moment he'd laid down beside Seth. Because Ryan was God like that.

Seth still felt himself flush miserably. "If you don't like that, feel free to tell me. I didn't think I'd like it, but I think I kinda do, not that I don't like girls, but - oh God, I have to break up with Summer, don't I? Oh God, I'm sorry, Ryan."

"Yes," Ryan said. "I think you should."

Taken aback, Seth stared at Ryan, then smiled, relieved. Because Ryan would never ask a thing of Seth, he would never, ever make a suggestion like that before Seth hinted at it, but this was decisive, this was something Ryan really wanted. Had maybe wanted for a while, and Seth had been too self-involved to notice.

"Ryan," Seth said softly, looking for something more, maybe permission.

"Yes," Ryan said again, and moved an inch closer, and there was something like pleasure in his eyes, like happiness, when he looked at Seth, open and vulnerable and then it was like the sun rising in the east, bright and shining and Seth could only stare.

"I think I should kiss you again," he said slowly.

It wasn't very complicated. The complicated, Seth thought, he could deal with himself. The gay, and the panic buzzing in his mind and Sebastian's words and Summer and the doubts that really weren't any, he would deal with all that himself. Right now - Seth leaned in again, meeting Ryan's mouth, pushing, asking, giving - right now, Ryan was more important.

And that was a first for Seth, too. It had just taken a couple of years to sink in, but then, Seth had always known he wasn't the brightest person in the world where that was concerned. The important part was that he'd gotten there.

 

~~~


End file.
